Forgiveness, Atonement and Reconciliation.

To me forgiveness isn't about what is said and done, it is about understanding not everyone has experienced true love and we ought to show compassion to those who wander aimlessly in life searching for it. Forgiving someone is about choosing to love over suffering in silence, to not let it control me. Forgiveness is freedom and bitterness is an internal emotional and mental bondage, a slave to hatred. I cannot seek forgiveness if I cannot forgive another, because two wrongs don't make a right. I have learned that to be forgiven for our own transgressions or wrongdoings we must come to an understanding not all people are perfect, some make mistakes, some make constant choices to do harm, but those choices of others have nothing to do with ourselves. To overcome the hatred in the world, one must love others above all things that means sacrificing my ego to empathize with others self-sabotage of guilt and shame. Trauma is the result of an unforgiving heart for the wrongs committed. Healing is manifested once the heart learns to forgive the transgressions afflicted upon it. Forgiving doesn't condone, but releases the pain and fear imprinted on our soul of being wounded in the past.

To forgive I'm saying I love and care for you more than holding a grudge against you whether we choose to go separate paths or reconcile, peace has been made between us. My core belief of human forgiveness versus God's forgiveness is that under the human assumption that love is based off conditions meaning that to receive forgiveness you must meet my expectations of what I consider to be appropriate of forgiving. God's forgiveness is conditionally unconditional meaning it’s solely based on our capability of loving him. God already understands and knows to love us because he knows that we are flesh as he stated in “Genesis 6:3, And the Lord said, “My Spirit shall not always strive with man, for he also is flesh; yet his days shall be a hundred and twenty years” (Genesis 6:3 - Bible Gateway, n.d.). Meaning our consciousness won't align with his consciousness until we can learn that what he has sacrificed, and the laws he’s given were only meant to protect us from harming ourselves. The beginning we sought out wisdom which made us foolish no longer being aligned or connected to God through the sin that shortens our earthly lifespan. When we humans commit sins or choose to hurt other people's feelings because we ourselves cannot regulate our emotions nor take accountability for our own suffering and pain we’ve caused others, we continue to lash out and expect others to extend grace.

Especially, when we feel that our behaviors were justified but we fail to comprehend that vengeance is not in our authority, but in God's authority, but we think we are in control over these outcomes. When we set conditions for others to meet our expectations, therefore leading with arrogance instead of humbled hearts when ending up disappointed. History has shown they through our own understanding and actions we betray ourselves and it's easier to blame God or someone else rather than looking at ourselves and our choices. Behaving selfishly leads us to constant mistakes thus not learning how to forgive. “Smedes (1984), a Christian theologian and the main target of Jones’ (1995) charge of therapeutic forgiveness as cheap grace, argues that forgiveness is unconditional, and forgivers do not have to wait until the other’s apology” (Kim & Enright, 2024, p. 443). We’ve become bitter towards God not saving us when it's our own actions that condemn us. Psychologically, that contradicting mindset keeps us in depression and far from healing if we choose to dwell on what someone else has done to us until we are given an apology. How can we be worthy of God’s grace when we sit and wait for an apology? Would we want God to be cold towards us and withhold forgiveness until we apologized?

Waiting for an apology before forgiving someone we claim to love and care about is contradictory and hypocritical.  We need to learn that forgiveness comes before the apology, it means to be self-aware enough to know that what other people do is not our fault but has everything to do with them and I am mature enough to let go of what was said and done without trying to seek revenge or wait for an apology that may never come. Forgiveness isn’t expected but I hope that others can learn and grow to be as loving and understanding as we are, while allowing them to show up as who they are, and I cannot take that personal whether that be good or bad. “According to Frise and McMinn (2010), it seems that forgiveness experts in theology tend to include reconciliation as a required part of human forgiveness while forgiveness experts in psychology do not” (Kim & Enright, 2024, p. 443). Reconciliation isn't about condoning someone's behavior in the past, it's about two people that have learnt the lessons, experienced growth, and had enough respect and care for the other person's feelings that they've done the work themselves to come back together to form a mature bond. In hopes that things between both parties can be resolved in a mature fashion.

Not having someone come back with an apology along with expecting someone to show them grace and mercy, even though it may be given, doesn't mean that they are obligated to reconcile the relationship itself but make peace amongst the matter. God doesn't tell us to condone people's poor behaviors but to forgive them for what they do not understand and make peace with each other, but some people have an entitled mindset, that when they say I'm sorry that person is obligated to keep the connection alive. That’s not the case; our actions determine the outcome of any situation. I can love you from a distance if I’m seeing patterns of similar behaviors that threaten my emotional and mental safety. God is not obligated to keep his relationship with us he made a choice to love us even in our ignorance, but as we gain knowledge and come to understand this, we are then held accountable and need to make the choice to be mature enough to keep the relationship with him and love everyone as he’s loved us unconditionally. Out of the three atonement theories I would have to say that the moralistic theory resonates with my understanding of atonement.

“Moralistic theory is that God’s love is at the forefront of the moralistic model (Crisp, 2020). Christ's life and obedience to death on the cross demonstrate God's sacrificial love which has the power to move people toward repentance and moral transformation. This theory is a subjective model of atonement (whereas the other two are objective) because it emphasizes the subjective experience of reflecting God's love which leads to transformation of one's spiritual life” (Neff & McMinn, 2020, p 183). God is a parent, and we are his children heaven and earth is his house.  We do not have the authority to do wrong to each other but have the free will to do as we choose. Even with this said free will we have two choices to do good or do evil. If I choose to do evil towards others, I suffer for that sin. There's a lesson in where one's heart is at. If I choose to do right by that person I am rewarded. God rewards according to the choices made. But we as humans who think we can do what we want outside of the will of God have the audacity to blame God for the choices we’ve made that leads to our suffering. God is fair, we must take accountability for our action’s whether directly or indirectly. When humans feel they have the authority to prey on the weak and ignorant, no shame or guilt is present within the heart so there’s no atoning for the sin committed.

When others make mistakes where they lack understanding something they feel regret and then seek forgiveness, thus having a moral character of integrity this is where atoning for the sin is conceived. From guilt and shame, a mistake is corrected thus not repeated it becomes a choice if the agenda is to do harm. Morally speaking, in a world where morals are absent in all that we see it’s hard to find that this theory is objective rather than subjective.  Not everyone comprehends the actuality of what God sacrificed thus making his love seem questionable. What humans do in their own human understanding does not reflect God. I cannot blame God for the choices I’ve made or someone else made of their own accord, thus where my forgiveness begins in understanding that person learned this behavior and although the intent was to fill a greedy need I cannot worrying about their reward because I know God is just and fair. I as a counselor will come to understand this person’s character through words, actions, and expressions when speaking of their experience. Is there guilt and shame present in this individual’s heart? If so, atonement and growth can take place thus healing can begin. If a person is set on blaming the world they feel victimized and anything they’ve done was justified behavior so no accountability will happen, so they naturally refuse to atone for their wrongs remining stuck in the cycle of “I’m owed this” mindset instead of forgiveness. Atonement is important in any field of healing the mind that’s how we grow and heal from our past trauma and pain as well releasing the fears our mind tells us so that we can stay in the “here and now”. Appreciating the gift of the present.